Without getting into the whys and hows and whats, I am in the limbo part of a break up. Limbo, because I am still saving up so I can move out. Meanwhile, I am sleeping on the couch. I also have a long commute on my city’s freakishly slow bus system. Don’t cry any tears for me. My worst days are better than the average once were. There are no bad guys in this. Although, I do feel massive guilt about deciding I wanted to change how things were.
While I am taking inventory, taking mental notes on separating our accounts, and getting ready to turn all the financial planning over, I realize it feels so much like dying. In a way, it is. I have murdered my old self. The person I once was is dead. All I am doing now is setting up the funeral. The woman I am, and have yet to become, is working toward rebirth. A friend of mine compared it to the Phoenix.
There is no way to wax poetic about this process. These are heartbreaking, uncertain times. There are also moments of wonderful realization and happiness. The future is not set in stone and there are so many possibilities for what can be. This is the first time I have lived in the Now. While I shed many tears when I think of what was and what I leave behind, I also think of the incredible people I never would have met if my life had stayed the same.
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