Personal Stories

Down the Rabbit Hole


rabbit_hole2First thought: Why does a perfect Being make such imperfect creations? Before I hear from the theists, atheists, semi-theists, and what not, I am going to say I really don’t expect a concrete answer.  It’s those imperfections that make everything wonderful. It’s also those imperfections that make us into ticking time bombs. It might be a set time for our heart to give out or for the demons of our depression to take over.   I try not to get too much into talking about the rabbit hole, but it looks like it’s that time.
This is not how I wanted to come back. This afternoon, I was working out and thinking about how my depression set me back over three years, as far as my physical fitness. This was what I planned to write about, tonight.  I found some good news about my efforts, was happy about  them, then…I went online and found the news everyone connected to any kind of technology knows about: The death of Robin Williams.

I could write about how he was my second tv crush. That was somewhere after Henry Winkler and before Jerry Mathers, but also picked up, again, after my Kermit the Frog crush.  I could talk about his comedy and acting.
But, you’ll hear that all over the place.

There’s always talk after a suicide. The whys. The sorrow. The judgment.  It’s too simple to judge a suicide. Mostly, because we can’t live in another person’s head. I never call it selfish. I call it the dark tunnel. The rabbit hole. If you’ve dealt with depression, you’ve been there.  That you are reading this means you also got out.  Not without a lot of effort. Especially, because our personal demons like to keep us in the darkness of our minds.

Demons. It’s not something people like to talk about. These aren’t the Fallen Angels from Hell demons.  These are our own negative thoughts and dark sides.  No one really likes to talk about it. You mention the one time you tried to kill yourself and the dozens of times you wanted to, there is an awkward silence that lets you know the person you are talking to is somewhere between wanting to pretend they heard nothing and wanting to find you a nice person to talk to.  But, we should talk about it!!

The fall into the Rabbit Hole could be something big. A divorce. A death of a loved one. Money issues. Or, we could handle the big things like a prize fighter and it’s the little things that get us. Like ants taking down a cow. No, not the image you want, but I’m leaving it, because that’s what it feels like. Those millions of little things, then, once again, Trapped in the darkness.

It could be something terribly stupid. Someone says something you misunderstand as an insult. Or, you throw a party and no one shows up. That one trigger could be what throws the switch. Even if nothing else comes of it, swimming in that dark tunnel eventually piles the mind up with so much muck, real and imagined, that the instinct is to get rid of it any way we can.  When the tunnel closes in, too much, the thoughts are, “If I wasn’t around, EVERYONE else would be happier.”

I admit, I’ve let this blog drop, because of my depression. I felt like trying to keep everyone else’s spirits up, while I was tumbling down the Rabbit Hole, again, made me a hypocrite. There is even a blog set to close this down in my drafts called The End, as a way of closing this down.

I had a number of people on my Facebook tell me to take a break, but keep doing this. My daughter insisted I not post that last post. So, I let it sit. My computer broke about this time, which made the excuses easier.

This whole time, I had a friend who emailed me nearly every day. He got to hear those Demons I speak of. He got to hear all the negative thoughts and probably more.  Some days I tried verbally pushing him away. I mean, everyone else had left me alone, why couldn’t he? But, he kept emailing. Even about nothing.  The days he didn’t write, I missed the emails. Even the times he got me mad enough that I would run to play my guitar (I’m starting to play, really well, by the way).

I’m seeing the light of day. I’m taking the vitamins that helped before. I’m planning things I wanted to do years ago, but put off, because I needed to be practical.  There’s a meme that says: “If you’re tired of Starting Over, you need to stop Giving Up”. I’m betting whoever wrote that didn’t deal with depression.

If there is a point to any of this, it’s  I don’t want to go to that place, again. There are maybe a dozen people in the world who would miss me, but for them I stay around. Plus, I’m tired of wasted time.

Today, after I read the news, I drove my son to the store and dropped him off. A man was pushing his grandson in his cart and crossed after I stopped. The man looked at me and had the biggest smile. For the first time, in a while, I smiled back.

I looked around the lot at all these people going about their daily lives and thought, “I can’t be sad, anymore.”

If you ever get to that point, talk to someone. Even email me. No one is a mind reader. My love to all of you.  ❤

RIP Mr. Williams! You will be missed! 

 

8 thoughts on “Down the Rabbit Hole

  1. Wow Lisa, thank your for sharing this difficult situation. I cannot fathom the demons that one has to deal with dealing with depression. Robin Williams was a genius but having to deal with depression certainly made his own personal life difficult but in turn made our lives enjoyable.

    1. I posted a rant to the Facebook group, the other day. It was a hodge podge of random frustration, while not professional, is genuine. It ended with the realization that the real selfishness is trying to help (or entertain) others, while hoping it will diminish our own demons. I have been told how compassionate I am about many life situations and find the very thing that shows how broken and flawed I am, is the one thing that helps me relate to others. I believe this is why many great talents have proven to be so very flawed. It’s re-focusing those demons, while hoping they don’t eventually catch up with you.

  2. Thanks for this honest and open post, Lisa. Depression is a demon inn itself and needs to be talked about much more. I talk from experience. It’s like being tossed over and over in the surf – you don’t know which way is up. But up we come, get stronger every day and connect with those who understand and are willing to give us a break. Online communities such as these are terrific.
    Thankyou again.

  3. Lisa, Thank you for your honesty. Depression is such a personal and internal disease. The demons you speak of I feel, would be so much easier to conquer if they were the fallen angels from heaven….not the internal voices that they are. You need to always remember that you do matter…It is funny how so often we can feel all alone in a room full of people…yet…you never know who in that room full of people are looking at you and being inspired to move forward…all because of something as simple as a smile. Like the man you saw in the parking lot. We are all connected. ❤

    Thank you

    1. I always said I felt loneliest in a crowd. I find it’s the small gestures that can make the difference to someone. Some days, I feel like I’m on a yo-yo. Yet, a cat who likes to follow me around and curl on my bed can make the whole day better. Or, a waitress offering coffee with dessert.
      I try to avoid any of the “suicide is selfish” commentary, as much as possible, because it agitates me. Even though I’m not planning on killing myself, comments like that make me feel like having depression is selfish. Yes, it’s about me. 🙂 But, honestly, everyone is a bit self centered in only reflecting on things that effect them in some way. 🙂

      1. I don’t want to dwell on the suicide comment…but I need to say this. It angers me so much when people think it is selfish…It is the opposite it is selfless. It is a point when someone is not thinking only of them selves but how better (THEY THINK) others will be with them gone. ARG! If only people would stop judging others…if ONLY we could stop judging ourselves this is the real challenge, and it is HARD. 😦

        It is the simple things…the things that seem small that make the biggest impact. Sharing what you feel is painful, but by doing so you affect soooo many, so many that remain anonymous. Thank you…for sharing because with every word and feeling and emotion you share (whether you feel alone or not) you help others who are afraid to speak…to share…for fear of being judged or isolated even more. ❤ I hope that I did not ramble too much… but I have been itching to speak on the selfishness aspect. LOL! So, sorry I ranted a bit.

        Namaste my friend. 🙂

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