“Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic,” the saying goes. The desire to drink is supposed to always be there. The taste and the buzz can be understandably attractive.
But, what is attractive about relapsing back into depression? What is comforting about a dark rabbit hole of despair? This is where I’ve spent the last few weeks. Oh! I’ve had my upswings, but there have been more dark moments. Feelings of jealousy, loneliness, and Failure.
I can blame Mercury Retrograde. That poor little planet gets blamed for everything, every three months, anyhow. I could blame the upcoming Full Moon or the summer months. Or, there might be nothing to blame. Some times a relapse just happens. In my case, I need to recharge and have down time every so often. If I don’t get it for a long time and finally get that rest, I crash. Relapse.
The best part, this time, is I know what’s happened. I started by downsizing my social media. I split myself into my business persona and my friends and family persona. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at classic movies, going into my yard, cleaning my house, listening to music, and swimming.
Yes, I still felt like a failure many times, because I knew I wasn’t updating this blog, my Facebook pages needed more attention than me clicking on the Share button, and I was starting to act like a turtle in a shell. Yet, no one around me knew this. My cranky moments could be blamed on tiredness or, “She’s just being that way.”
This week, I decided to make myself get back to work. It is a little easier when I’m listening to “Hang On, Little Tomato” and have a fluffy kitty sitting next to me. Because, I’m not a failure. It’s a minor relapse. I’ve been through much worse. No, I don’t enjoy it. (yes, someone once said I enjoy feeling emotionally drained and crappy)